Expectation Hangovers
James Clear wrote that the difference between reality and expectations is what creates disappointment. I consider myself a high achiever, and I bet you do too, so you’ve also probably struggled with the question of “How do I aim for the stars, but not get so disappointed when I don’t reach a goal or things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to?”
Starting at the beginning, let’s define what it even means to have expectations. An expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. The three different categories of expectations are unspoken expectations, unrealistic expectations, and unhealthy expectations.
Unspoken expectations are usually external to people. These are the rule book in your head that speak to how people should act, how they should clean, how they should do xyz.
One of the most helpful tools I’ve discovered is the Enneagram. On the enneagram, there are 9 different ways to do one thing. When you know which one you are, you can acknowledge the different ways people can approach things.
Unrealistic expectations are usually internal to yourself. Sometimes the goals we set for ourselves are not realistic and can be reflective on our time, prep, and boundaries.
Unhealthy expectations are both internal and external. More often than not, it comes down to control. It gets really scary when we try to control our circumstances. The thing we can control is our thoughts, not so much the circumstance itself.
Now that we know what our different kinds of expectations are, we can define an expectation hangover. An expectation hangover is when you or someone didn’t live up to the expectation in your mind, this creates the hangover. Often times it looks like being upset, moody, you want to die, or you want to just hide from the world.
There are 4 ways to pick yourself back up when you’re having an expectation hangover.
Acknowledge & accept what happened. Notice where you can take personal responsibility for it, where were your expectations one of the 3 U’s and how can you adjust for next time?
Did you give yourself enough time?
Did you do the necessary prep work?
Did you set clear boundaries?
Did you ask for help?
2. Be nice to yourself. This is something I struggled with and highly encourage you to do. You’re human! No need to be perfect.
3. Distract yourself healthily. Get out of the house and give yourself something else to focus on. Give yourself new expectations for another round of whatever it is you’re doing. Remind yourself as to why you want to accomplish this goal.
4. Verbally process it out. This can be anything from talking with a friend to hiring a life coach or going to therapy. I even have a friend who video tapes herself and just getting it out is so helpful for her.
It’s going to be so important to understand that by freeing yourself from expectations doesn’t mean you’re not ever reaching for the stars again, it means that you FREE yourself from them & not tie your self-worth to external validation.
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