The Father Wound and Perfectionism
As you all know, I’ve been away in LA and had a really tough year. I had this season of my life where I was depressed and melancholic where I didn’t feel like I had my foot in the industry of coaching. On top of that, I was doing a lot of foster work with and had a foster who had ringworm and he needed to be separated from everyone else along with me being extra cautious when caring for him. So, I wasn’t really looking forward to my trip to LA because that meant being away from my husband and animals for 3 weeks - I felt a lot of angst and anxiety around that. For the first time in months, the day before I recorded this episode, I felt like myself again. I took a bath, I did my evening ritual, and I felt amazing - I finally felt like I could relax and have my old life back. The other thing I was doing in my season of depression was that I was watching too much Netflix. Anyhow, all that context to say, I had a major download and I am so excited to start to share this concept with you that came to me. It’s not a new concept as it’s about shadows, wounds, and core wounds but it came to me in a way where I realized how much my private client worked through the archetypes of her shadows. Doing this helped her gain clarity. So I sat back and reflected on what I did with her and what we worked on that really brought the most success and healing. This episode is it!
What I’ve known and come to realize is that there are core wounds, right? There are 5 common core wounds that hold women back from reaching their full potential, their highest self, being able to fulfill their person. Those 5 core wounds are: Maiden wound, Mother wound, Father wound, Heroine wound, and the Sage wound. It’s not a brand new concept as you notice the Triple Goddesses and how the Father and Heroine already exist. What really came to me was reflecting on these last couple of months wondering why I was in such a low place, why was my perfectionism getting the best of me - that’s when it clicked for me that perfectionism is linked to the Father wound.
Shadow Archetypes
If you have listened to some of the episodes I recorded with Lucas you will hear that we dove into some of the archetypes. We uncovered the masculine and feminine archetypes of the triple goddess - this is different but in terms of the word ‘archetype’ the meaning is the same. Archetypes are templates and are developed by a psychologist by the name Carl Jung. What he discovered is that archetypes are templates and are unconscious thought patterns that we as humans have inherited from years of collective experiences. What he has discovered and believes that the mind is made up of conscious, unconscious, and the super conscious aka the higher Self, the collective, Source/Universe. When someone channels or gets a download, they are tapped into the super conscious part of our mind. What Jung believes that the unconscious mind holds knowledge from ancestors that are waiting to be activated and within that knowledge are these archetypes - unconscious thought patterns that we’ve inherited, that we naturally do or be. What he believes is that when you’re born, you’re not just a blank slate. You are already born with these thought patterns within you. I believe there are 5 main archetypes that you need to heal in order to be your highest self.
How the father wound shows up in your life
With the father wound, the core limiting belief that comes from that is “I don’t matter.” Shadow is also an archetype and it’s the side or part of ourselves that we hide and repress because we believe that those characteristics will not get love or be seen, heard or acknowledged. It’s the negative emotions, traits, and characteristics that you want to hide from the world. Anything that isn’t accepted by society usually gets banished and pushed toward our shadow. Now, in my work with my clients, we work on embracing, uncovering, and diving head into their shadows. From my experience and from what I know, you cannot truly love yourself until you’ve learned to love all the experiences that have shaped you and created you. Much of your healing comes from facing your shadow and facing the aspects of yourself that you deem to be unworthy. The shadow archetype would be the unconscious thought pattern of the Father wound and what I’ve coined it to be is the perfectionist. If you have a healthy father archetype, you have a very deep sense of your own confidence. The father archetype is the masculine - you have authentic authority, you know who you are, you know what you stand for, you know what your values are, you’re deeply present with yourself, you’re stable, secure, honest, and feel powerful. You have systems and processes and structure in your life that create sustainability for your unique purpose. We each have a purpose and it’s our soul’s journey to uncover and fulfill that purpose. When you have a healthy father archetype, you are able to acknowledge and know what your purpose is. Think of your father archetype as a ship or car that moves forward - it’s a mechanistic vehicle that moves forward. When there’s no holes in your ship, you are able to move forward sustainably.
What is the core wound that encompasses the unhealthy father wound
The core limiting belief for the father archetype is, “I don’t matter.” During a women’s conference I attended, there was a particular speaker that was really amazing - she had fierce mama bear energy and had authoritative energy and was direct. Towards the end of her segment she played a Beyonce song, had everyone hold hands, and shouted out affirmations. One affirmation that she said was “You matter.” When I heard those words, I had an emotional breakdown. She wasn’t just talking to that version of me in the audience but was also talking to all the past versions of me; all the wounded inner child within me who didn’t know that those were the two words that she’s been wanting to hear. You matter. If you don’t think that you don’t matter, you have the father wound and it’s time to heal that. A couple of things to look out for with the unhealthy father archetype is that you prioritize your mind over your intuition - I think having the father wound creates a pattern of needing to achieve and be perfect which is why I name the archetype the perfectionist. It’s when you prioritize the masculine over the feminine; when we over-attempt to matter and we feel that we have a place in this world by achieving things externally. This looks like needing to achieve externally due to the patriarchal society we live in - in order to have a place in this world, to matter, to be valued we must always be doing which goes into the heroine archetype. Another aspect of this is being very judgmental and critical. If you’re overly judgmental to others or to yourself. The last one is really rejecting the system - I think we see this a lot right now. There are those of us who are really unhappy with what’s happening around us that we then don’t honor our own lives. You reject everything that’s happening outside of you, which then causes you to reject what’s happening for you internally. The world is a mirror. If you think that everything in the world right now is shit and you hate the system, you probably have a big lack of structure in your own life. These are some aspects of the father wound and find yourself in that - I think we all face this within our human experiences. If you have the father wound, welcome to being human. I’m starting to see that when you wounded masculine energy, part of it is that father wound.
Take it back generationally, the father wound can also come about when your father and your own grandfather and so on had trauma and passed it down to you. So, for example, if your father had trauma that he didn’t heal and had certain beliefs - you unconsciously downloaded those thought patterns when you were born. So now you have those wounds and those limiting beliefs installed within you, that you didn’t even ask for. A lot of times I’m working with my clients, they wonder why they believe certain things and where they’ve learned it from. It’s not that they really learned it but rather something they were born with. I think that it gives people a lot of clarity that just because you think that, it doesn’t mean it’s technically from you. It’s much easier to release and meet ourselves with compassion and really understand how generational trauma/wounds work.
What is the new empowering belief that will help you shift it
The new empowering, core belief is “I am worthy of existence.” If you’ve been a long time listener, you’ve heard this before. Our goal is to be able to say that belief just like how we say the sky is blue. To just know it unconsciously, consciously, and super consciously that we are worthy of existence. We don’t have to do anything externally, outside of ourselves in order to be worthy. With this new belief, what happens is we are willing to be seen. This is what really hit me the most because with a lot of my clients lately, we are working through being seen and visible. The reason why you’re willing to be seen with this new belief is because you are now able to create visibility for your own purpose and you know what your purpose is - remember the ship analogy? You are the vehicle and that comes from having a healthy father archetype. It comes from having that healthy, divine masculine energy that is deeply present, confident, and knows that their purpose is, that is here for a purpose. With this new belief, not only are you willing to be seen, not only are you able to create visibility for your purpose but you are then also sailing your ship. That ship is your own unique contribution to society - my clients that struggle with this are the ones who don’t know what their purpose is or they don’t know what their gifts are and don’t know that what they have to say matters. The truth is, what you do have to say matters. You are worthy of existence. The contribution that you bring to this world matters. Your purpose matters.
What becomes possible for us when we heal the father wound and are able to fully embody a healthy father archetype/energy into our lives
You then are able to create structure and processes in your life that drive your ship forward sustainably. This is huge. I’ve noticed that as I’ve healed the unhealthy masculine energy and leaned into healthy, divine masculine energy the systems and processes I have in my life are the structure and holding of my feminine flow. So, by knowing this and knowing that my purpose matters and wanting to embody a healthy father archetype of myself I then wanted to create rituals, routines, and structure in my life because I know I’m moving forward. When we heal this as a collective society, we’re going to see many amazing women starting to impact the world and do what they were meant to do in this world. With this awareness now, you are able to shift and you are able to heal and be a healthy father figure in your own life. You can have healthy masculine energy in your life. For those of us who don’t have healthy father figures in your life, maybe your father has passed away or you have a difficult relationship with your father - that’s where I’m at - It’s very empowering to look at this with a different perspective of knowing I can father myself.
